I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
