please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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