So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
