I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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