For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
