Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
