i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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