if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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