I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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