Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
