My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
