Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
