im six kinds of drunk right now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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