My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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