ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
