I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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