Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
