I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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