um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
