Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
