Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
