I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
