I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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