Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
