If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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