i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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