Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
