Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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