picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Houston, we have a blender
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
