I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
