I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
