he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
