all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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