There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize