she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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