...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
