He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
