You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
