I wish my penis had an off switch
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
