I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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