Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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