I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
