walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
