okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
