I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
