I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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