He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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