Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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