He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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