Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
