My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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