Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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